2008 - JULY

But first, some ramblings -

I'm certain there are those who don't understand why I want to write down and remember over and over the days leading up to and following Isabella's . . . death/birth? Someone has even said to me "why do you want to dwell on something that makes you so sad?"

While I don't dwell on it, I do choose to remember, over and over again. I remind myself daily, because before that time, I took a whole lot for granted. Like the fact that just because my child was pregnant, there would be a healthy baby. That things would happen that would change our lives, like having a baby, but that things wouldn't happen that would shatter our hearts, like losing a baby.

To forget would be to act like that time never happened . . . it would blank out almost a year in the life of our family that up until that day in June had been one of our happiest. To forget would be to act like she never existed, and while that stillborn baby never took a breath outside her mother's womb, she will always have a hold on the hearts of those of us that love her, and we can't forget, ever, ever, even if we wanted to.

JULY

July was hot, but not too bad. I spent lots of time in the Garden that month. That's where I do my best thinking and Lord knows I did lots of thinking. On the 4th Baker and Beau brought some friends over and we cooked out and swam and sunned. Leslie and John made a good effort and stayed for a little while.

Abby and Nicky came home on the 12th.

On July 17th, Isabella's due date, we wanted to do something to acknowledge what should have been her birthday. Some might think it's a silly thing, but we wrote her a poem and we blew up balloons with helium and we wrote messages to her on the balloons. Then Leslie, Nicky and I went to her grave, read her the poem and released the balloons. John didn't want to go because he thought it would be too sad. But it wasn't sad. It was silly, and it was healing. We were sending her our love, our hugs and our kisses. And as we lay there like three loons on the grass in the cemetery and watched those balloons float up to Heaven, we were happy. Here is her poem:

We come today to honor you
To tell you how much we love you.
And though our time with you was short,
It was such a sweet time,
And a memory that we will treasure forever.
You will always live in our hearts and
Help to shape our thoughts and our lives.
Our memories of you we’ll always keep
But today we release our tears
And our broken hearts
And as these balloons rise
Like butterfly messengers
They bring to you
Our love, our hugs and kisses